Same Circumstances
by krwlngmieskeen
Summary: Dean's death has left Sam with a lot to say. Spoilers 9x23. R&R if you liked it, please! Contains angst!Sam.


**Hi there! Phew, I've been gone for SO LONG. But well, it's not that I stopped writing, I was just not posting anything around here. But here I came back, twisted, broken, all because of the series finale. Did someone else cry like a baby like I did? I seriously can't believe it yet... *cries***

**Anyway, there're many things I wanted to point out after the last episode, comparing to previous episodes, previous dialogues and else. What you're gonna read is one of those things I want to point out. Sam's point of view of everything.**

**I will write my shit out to survive these months until season 10, so bear with me!**

**Hope you like this... and it contains SPOILERS!**

**Same Circumstances**

**Dead.**

You're fucking dead.

Now I do nothing but blaming myself for not trying harder to keep you away from the First Blade, for not trying harder to convince you to leave it alone, or hell, for not simply taking it off your hands and save you from all this crap you've been through... Why didn't I try harder? Why did I lie? Why did I tell you I was okay with it?

Nothing but blame consumes me... now you're dead, you died in front of my eyes once again. I know you did before, but I'm not supposed to get used to watch my brother die over and over again. It will always hurt, it will always be the worst kind of pain I've known.

I know I could have done more, I know... but you seemed so determined, it's impossible to make you change your mind when you are this determined. I was pissed, tired, I didn't want to argue, I didn't wanna go through a discussion that would have no end, just you and me going separate ways again, and we weren't exactly in shape to do that. But I still should have, I should've seen it coming. Now it's too late for me to apologize, you're already lying in that bed, hopeless, restless, **lifeless...**

Lifeless...

_If the situation were reverse, and I was dying, you'd do the same thing..._

I remember that conversation. I remember when you said that to me, and I instantly saw it in your eyes. You were desperately looking for the same answer, you needed it, you needed to know that I would sacrifice everything for you, that I would die for you and do anything for you if you were dying...

_I wouldn't..._

_Same circumstances, I wouldn't._

But I didn't. I didn't give you that answer. Instead, I left you believing that I was no longer the little brother who admired you and would let the world burn for you. That I was no longer the desperate guy who grieved you for 4 months while you were burning in hell because of me, the lunatic little brother who was searching for a chance to bring you back, who crossed the wrong line just to bring you back or avenge your death.

_You think you're my savior, my brother, my hero..._

You always said it was your job to keep me safe, that it was your responsibility, that it was you, that Dean wouldn't be Dean if he did not protect his brother. I always accepted it, you were always there when I needed you, even if I didn't deserve it. I'm already a grown man, and I was always trying to make you believe that I don't need someone to look out for me, that I can make it on my own, but deep inside I knew you were there, I felt no fear. Why did I push you away like this now? Why did I underestimate you? Why didn't I protect you instead? Why did I try to take that job away from you? I'm not saying that what you did with Ezekiel was okay, but man, you were desperate, you felt the way I feel now and I should have at least TRIED to understand that... You always were my savior, my brother, my hero. Why wouldn't you be now? Why, after all these years, would you stop being that? And you died believing that I didn't consider you, but damn... I'd give up anything to see you again and say all of this to you, that I'm sorry, that now I am in the same fucking circumstances and I would! I fucking would! I would do the same thing, I would try anything to bring you back, because **there ain't no me if there ain't no you! **

_You can't stand the thought of being alone..._

That might have been true, but can I? Can I stand the thought of being alone? Why did I blame you for that if I know I am not able to be alone either? What a crappy hypocrite I am. You're gone now and this loneliness is killing me, it's inevitable. I can't live without you, Dean, I can't...

**I just needed this, I needed to let it all out. The finale just killed me, what can I say? I still can't swallow it, I'm burning! **

**Hope you liked this, if you did, please leave a review!**

**Thanks for everything! **

**A~**


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